Yay. I got like 9 hours of sleep last night. Amazing. Lately, I have been soap-boxing like nothing else. Sorry, y'all. Just...crazy stirrings and internal-gut-wrenching things going on inside of me.
Oh God...I cannot live with you as only my friend any longer. I am sick of casual, 1-sided conversations between us. I've got your love, now REIGN IN ME. Let me no longer exist. At all. I don't want to see me when I look in the mirror. I'm sick of a Christianity that is just for helping me thru my silly little problems. I will not let you go from me without turning me upside down and changing me. This is no longer about my self, but those who I must reach. Burning fire Flesh falling away Agh I cannot Anymore Live like I am Me. Only. I must DO something.
Going campaigning today.
Saturday, 30 July 2005
Friday, 29 July 2005
Friday July 29, 2005
Day 6: EMP--Reading Ecclesiastes. I totally dislike males today. I have been reading Psalms like crazy and so has everyone else in this LTS with me, and it's awesome what we've been learning. Marcus redeems his gender--bless him. It stormed so beautifully last nite. Loud. Theatrical. God loves a good show too...Later...Made team leader of the writing team. Excited, but lots of responsiblity...don't know if I can handle it on top of zip sleep and that speech...
So many things wrong in this world. Can't accept the cop out of 'change one person and it will be worth it', cuz to me, it's not. If I do not change this world, I will NOT be able to live with myself. I will NOT be able to stand before my Maker, look my Saviour--the one who went thru the ultimate injustice for me--look HIM in the eye and know that I did NOTHING to stop the injustices of my generation. Let me not be so impassioned a writer that I forget what actions should be taken. Let me not be so selfish that I deceive myself to think that I am right in doing nothing. Let me not be so ignorant that I know nothing of the pain of reality. Let me never be so weak that I cannot face what I have done wrong and change it...
Today we watched a debate. It makes me angry. VERY ANGRY. I wanted to watch it with all my Camp ppl...and yell and scream at the liberal with you all. Later I'm scared. Being a leader sucks. I think Lydia hates me. Orbitz gum is nearly a sacrament at GNFC. I am so exhausted. I must look a sight.
Day 7:EMP--Reading Red Moon Rising. Still. And it makes me want to shout. We're visiting CNN HQ today. I am excited but so tired...today I slept until 5:30 (4:30 WI time) cuz I was so tired. Being this exhausted all the time is really getting old. CNN HQ was great. After that, we visited the capitol. Speech deadlines extended. Hooray. Tomorrow I go campaigning for the future first black Republican elected into GA state congress. Now here's an excerpt from the book I'm reading.
"Suddenly I find myself in a giant hall. Surrounding me are thousands of young pppl, battered, bruised, and broken. Then suddenly, I hear a voice: "What am I bid?"
A young girl stands out before the crowd of leering, sneering men. "What am I bid for this piece of flesh?" The men start to cheer. "50" "100"
What can I do God? I start to bid. I have to save her. The cost becomes huge, and I begin to waiver. Can I afford this? What price will I pay?
The dream stops.
I'm alone again. But the faces are real enough; Sarah being sold into prostitution; Mike with a revolver in his mouth; Kat covered in cuts and bruises; John falling into crime, Laura alone and desperate; Steve heroin bulging into his vein.
"What am I bid?"
The voice shatters the silence. The auction is on again. The bidding has begun. It continues day and night until the end. Most of the bidders desire only use and abuse. Satan drives them on.
And so I find myself in the auction. Will I watch or will I bid? The price of a single life is huge. The currency is prayer...and action. The cost is massive, but the prize is glorious. A life for a life.
What am I bid?"
Scream. Cry. Sigh. Punch. Tantrum. Despair. Then hope. Maybe I can break the cycle. Maybe I can do something to make it stop. But not if I am too wrapped up in my own problems, my self, and my stupidity.
So many things wrong in this world. Can't accept the cop out of 'change one person and it will be worth it', cuz to me, it's not. If I do not change this world, I will NOT be able to live with myself. I will NOT be able to stand before my Maker, look my Saviour--the one who went thru the ultimate injustice for me--look HIM in the eye and know that I did NOTHING to stop the injustices of my generation. Let me not be so impassioned a writer that I forget what actions should be taken. Let me not be so selfish that I deceive myself to think that I am right in doing nothing. Let me not be so ignorant that I know nothing of the pain of reality. Let me never be so weak that I cannot face what I have done wrong and change it...
Today we watched a debate. It makes me angry. VERY ANGRY. I wanted to watch it with all my Camp ppl...and yell and scream at the liberal with you all. Later I'm scared. Being a leader sucks. I think Lydia hates me. Orbitz gum is nearly a sacrament at GNFC. I am so exhausted. I must look a sight.
Day 7:EMP--Reading Red Moon Rising. Still. And it makes me want to shout. We're visiting CNN HQ today. I am excited but so tired...today I slept until 5:30 (4:30 WI time) cuz I was so tired. Being this exhausted all the time is really getting old. CNN HQ was great. After that, we visited the capitol. Speech deadlines extended. Hooray. Tomorrow I go campaigning for the future first black Republican elected into GA state congress. Now here's an excerpt from the book I'm reading.
"Suddenly I find myself in a giant hall. Surrounding me are thousands of young pppl, battered, bruised, and broken. Then suddenly, I hear a voice: "What am I bid?"
A young girl stands out before the crowd of leering, sneering men. "What am I bid for this piece of flesh?" The men start to cheer. "50" "100"
What can I do God? I start to bid. I have to save her. The cost becomes huge, and I begin to waiver. Can I afford this? What price will I pay?
The dream stops.
I'm alone again. But the faces are real enough; Sarah being sold into prostitution; Mike with a revolver in his mouth; Kat covered in cuts and bruises; John falling into crime, Laura alone and desperate; Steve heroin bulging into his vein.
"What am I bid?"
The voice shatters the silence. The auction is on again. The bidding has begun. It continues day and night until the end. Most of the bidders desire only use and abuse. Satan drives them on.
And so I find myself in the auction. Will I watch or will I bid? The price of a single life is huge. The currency is prayer...and action. The cost is massive, but the prize is glorious. A life for a life.
What am I bid?"
Scream. Cry. Sigh. Punch. Tantrum. Despair. Then hope. Maybe I can break the cycle. Maybe I can do something to make it stop. But not if I am too wrapped up in my own problems, my self, and my stupidity.
Wednesday, 27 July 2005
Wednesday, 27 July, 2005
Day 1 Sat: I arrive...overtired and cranky because of a screaming child on the airplane. Wondering how the heck I got myself into this and trying to figure out the quickest way back to WI...missing Camp Nehemiah more than my own home...
Day 2: Attend church. Open Bible. Falls to Joel. "Rend your hearts and not your garments." Punch in the gut conviction. Realize that if I am put in a group, no matter how large or how small, if there is just ONE smart aleck in the group, he(generally, but not always a he) will pick me as his target of imitation. ARE MY MANNERISMS THAT WEIRD? Do I just scream, mimic my every move or something?!
Day 3: Early morning prayer is at 6. I realize that there is a blurred difference between sleep and prayer that early in the morning. White water rafting in Tennessee the rest of the day. Amazing. Scenery consists of a river, cliffs on either side, the most intricate rock formations spotted with beautiful GREEN trees. Nothing in WI was green when I left. Van breaks down, thank God, only a block from the church. I'm really glad it didn't do that in Tennessee. My toenail(the one I busted open at Camp Nehemiah) falls off. OUCH. Musing mind falls to transparency and self-scrutiny.
Day 4: AM session (after another EMP at 6) is speech. Nervous. Must recite. Picked Make Me Thy Fuel. Memorized it yrs ago. Quiver. Later...I forgot what an effect I can have on ppl. I had forgotten how much fun it was to have everyone's attention in the palm of my hand, free for me to shape as my will directs. That power...it makes me want to stop being so introverted...at least while I'm on the stage, in control. I remember things like why I liked the game. I had forgotten. We get our pretests back. I realize it is the first time someone has corrected my grammar on an essay question. Surprising. Humbling. But GOOD. I hate it when teachers have nothing left to teach me and so let me drift. And this one, whoa, she will not let me drift. NO preconceived notion of my intelligence level. Liberating. I can pick the impression I give her. Hooray.
Day 5: I am disgusted with myself Carnal fleshly life Selfish will Selfish wants. Can you do anything with this earthy human being? I want you to take away That which separates me from you. I want to be STRIPPED of my way, my walls, my sins. Take everything of me Replace it with the things of you. Let these not be merely words Devoid of meaning and commitment. When others see me, let them see YOU only. EMP at 6. Crying out. Hate my complacency. Refuse to go back to living in the bubble. Too much to do...can't just sit around. HEART SCREAMS so loudly I swear that preacher can hear it. Still so tired. The hours march endlessly on. Need sleep. Opened Bible. First page of. Wanted to cry. Why? What is it that makes me fall so hard for things I will NEVER have? Later... I deliberately avoid < >. I will let him go. He is not mine. I will appreciate him, but will end this ridiculous fancy... Good thing I have been well trained in the art of being a shrew.
My life is changing, y'all. For the better. I can never be that girl again. She'll be there, but different. Matured. Older. Probably not wiser. But hopefully, she will have learned some things.
Quote OTD: God, give me knowledge...but not just knowledge, because that will puff me up. Give me understanding, but not merely understanding, because that will leave me passive. Give me WISDOM: rhetoric coupled with ACTION. ~speech instructor, Blaine Cochran
Day 2: Attend church. Open Bible. Falls to Joel. "Rend your hearts and not your garments." Punch in the gut conviction. Realize that if I am put in a group, no matter how large or how small, if there is just ONE smart aleck in the group, he(generally, but not always a he) will pick me as his target of imitation. ARE MY MANNERISMS THAT WEIRD? Do I just scream, mimic my every move or something?!
Day 3: Early morning prayer is at 6. I realize that there is a blurred difference between sleep and prayer that early in the morning. White water rafting in Tennessee the rest of the day. Amazing. Scenery consists of a river, cliffs on either side, the most intricate rock formations spotted with beautiful GREEN trees. Nothing in WI was green when I left. Van breaks down, thank God, only a block from the church. I'm really glad it didn't do that in Tennessee. My toenail(the one I busted open at Camp Nehemiah) falls off. OUCH. Musing mind falls to transparency and self-scrutiny.
Day 4: AM session (after another EMP at 6) is speech. Nervous. Must recite. Picked Make Me Thy Fuel. Memorized it yrs ago. Quiver. Later...I forgot what an effect I can have on ppl. I had forgotten how much fun it was to have everyone's attention in the palm of my hand, free for me to shape as my will directs. That power...it makes me want to stop being so introverted...at least while I'm on the stage, in control. I remember things like why I liked the game. I had forgotten. We get our pretests back. I realize it is the first time someone has corrected my grammar on an essay question. Surprising. Humbling. But GOOD. I hate it when teachers have nothing left to teach me and so let me drift. And this one, whoa, she will not let me drift. NO preconceived notion of my intelligence level. Liberating. I can pick the impression I give her. Hooray.
Day 5: I am disgusted with myself Carnal fleshly life Selfish will Selfish wants. Can you do anything with this earthy human being? I want you to take away That which separates me from you. I want to be STRIPPED of my way, my walls, my sins. Take everything of me Replace it with the things of you. Let these not be merely words Devoid of meaning and commitment. When others see me, let them see YOU only. EMP at 6. Crying out. Hate my complacency. Refuse to go back to living in the bubble. Too much to do...can't just sit around. HEART SCREAMS so loudly I swear that preacher can hear it. Still so tired. The hours march endlessly on. Need sleep. Opened Bible. First page of. Wanted to cry. Why? What is it that makes me fall so hard for things I will NEVER have? Later... I deliberately avoid < >. I will let him go. He is not mine. I will appreciate him, but will end this ridiculous fancy... Good thing I have been well trained in the art of being a shrew.
My life is changing, y'all. For the better. I can never be that girl again. She'll be there, but different. Matured. Older. Probably not wiser. But hopefully, she will have learned some things.
Quote OTD: God, give me knowledge...but not just knowledge, because that will puff me up. Give me understanding, but not merely understanding, because that will leave me passive. Give me WISDOM: rhetoric coupled with ACTION. ~speech instructor, Blaine Cochran
Monday, 25 July 2005
Monday, 25 July 2005
Recently someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life. And I gave them a really crappy answer. I am so sorry.
The top responses I usually give:
1. I'm flying away to Neverland and I refuse to grow up...but thanks for thinking of me!
2. An English teacher...because then ppl shut up and leave me alone about it
3. Well...I just don't know yet--because then ppl don't hold me to my words in 3 months.
But since I really want to add another one, I am erasing that reality and substituting my own. I now say:
I am going to be a box-breaker, world-taker, generation-changer, history-maker, and a ppl-shaper. I am quoting myself. I am not going to settle into mediocrity. I am not going to fall into living only for myself. I am not going to 'listen to my heart' and get a sappy job at a soup kitchen(no offense, if you work at a soup kitchen, more power to you) I AM GOING TO GET RID OF SOUP KITCHENS. And psyhchologists. And juvenile hall. Why? Because I am going to change this world. I will not sit still. I will not be good and be quiet. I will speak up and I will not let you go until you listen to me. Don't take the crap others give you. Don't let another's reactions to you determine your priorities(ouch that one hurt me). If you are looking at the floor all your life, you will hit it. If you look up at the sky (into the STARS, Bethany) you will realize that there is no ceiling.
Off my soap box for now...
The top responses I usually give:
1. I'm flying away to Neverland and I refuse to grow up...but thanks for thinking of me!
2. An English teacher...because then ppl shut up and leave me alone about it
3. Well...I just don't know yet--because then ppl don't hold me to my words in 3 months.
But since I really want to add another one, I am erasing that reality and substituting my own. I now say:
I am going to be a box-breaker, world-taker, generation-changer, history-maker, and a ppl-shaper. I am quoting myself. I am not going to settle into mediocrity. I am not going to fall into living only for myself. I am not going to 'listen to my heart' and get a sappy job at a soup kitchen(no offense, if you work at a soup kitchen, more power to you) I AM GOING TO GET RID OF SOUP KITCHENS. And psyhchologists. And juvenile hall. Why? Because I am going to change this world. I will not sit still. I will not be good and be quiet. I will speak up and I will not let you go until you listen to me. Don't take the crap others give you. Don't let another's reactions to you determine your priorities(ouch that one hurt me). If you are looking at the floor all your life, you will hit it. If you look up at the sky (into the STARS, Bethany) you will realize that there is no ceiling.
Off my soap box for now...
Saturday, 23 July 2005
Saturday, 23 July 2005
Hey ya'll from Atlanta...
If I were not Christian, I would be a pagan and worship the moon. Devotedly!
Getting no sleep makes you really feel as if you can't feel anything.
I haven't shed tears over anything in at least 6 months and I think I have major problems since I went thru Camp Nehemiah's workshops and didn't shed a tear. "Drowning in my own lack of tears"
I really don't like being in situations where I don't know what to expect.
When I got home Friday nite, my mom was being so awesome...and then I left the next morning. I feel like I'm running away from home. Maybe I am. How horrible...I'm abandoning them...I can't be the one doing the abandoning...I don't think I could bear it...I don't like myself right now...
If I were not Christian, I would be a pagan and worship the moon. Devotedly!
Getting no sleep makes you really feel as if you can't feel anything.
I haven't shed tears over anything in at least 6 months and I think I have major problems since I went thru Camp Nehemiah's workshops and didn't shed a tear. "Drowning in my own lack of tears"
I really don't like being in situations where I don't know what to expect.
When I got home Friday nite, my mom was being so awesome...and then I left the next morning. I feel like I'm running away from home. Maybe I am. How horrible...I'm abandoning them...I can't be the one doing the abandoning...I don't think I could bear it...I don't like myself right now...
Monday, 18 July 2005
Monday, 18 July 2005
I'm sick...utterly sick of life and living. Why is living so difficult? Better question--why do I make life so difficult? And because I want to blame someone...I will blame all of those who told me that being a teenager was the best years of their lives. Cough. Well. They can come back and live mine. Thinking back on it, they weren't saved when they were teenagers. That explains alot. And...gasp...if this horrible reality is supposed to be the best part of my life, I really am going to have to consider suicide as a viable option...(if you actually got that I used viable as an adjective of suicide, I love you)
I'm never going to have mid-life crisis. Seriously. I think 40 yr olds invented mid-life crises(the plural of crisis, and yes, I looked it up on an internet dictionary and yes, I am strange) because they missed the drama of being a teenager.
DRAMA--that's what this all is! **Smacks forehead** WELL...someone should have told me that being a teenager sucks. REALLY.
I'm never going to have mid-life crisis. Seriously. I think 40 yr olds invented mid-life crises(the plural of crisis, and yes, I looked it up on an internet dictionary and yes, I am strange) because they missed the drama of being a teenager.
DRAMA--that's what this all is! **Smacks forehead** WELL...someone should have told me that being a teenager sucks. REALLY.
Thursday, 14 July 2005
Tuesday, 14 July 2005
I have gotten yelled at twice in 2 days by religious old people. First time, it was cuz I was chewing bubble gum in church. Apparently that is disrespectful. Ok, I can deal with that. But I was chewing it when I walked in the building, so it wasn't like I popped a bunch of bubble gum in my mouth and started blowing bubbles for spite or something...and apparently my shorts are TOO short. They can't believe I'm a Christian girl. Obviously, they've never been to Lifest. They're not that short, and I could wear my swimming suit if they'd really like to see some cheeks hanging out. But I can say nothing...for I am going to Atlanta in a week with these ppl and if I'm not on their good side...there goes my trip. And I've never been to Atlanta. I've never been anywhere, really...and traveling is really important to me.
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