Monday, 29 August 2005

Strength is not the absence of a weakness.

Strength is determined by how far a person is determined to go in spite of that weakness.

It doesn't matter if I'm afraid. I can persevere and go on. And I will.

It doesn't matter if I don't think I can do it. I can.

It doesn't matter if there are a thousand strikes against me. Long shots still have a chance.

And as long as there's a chance...as long as there exists that drive inside me that says GO...it will be alright. I will make it thru somehow.

You can too. And you will.

Tuesday, 16 August, 2005

Does it tick anyone else off that like, gas is way overpriced and there's nothing anyone's doing/can do about it?

Does it make anyone else tear up because children in Sudan are watching their fathers die and their mothers being raped merely because they're black Christians hated by Arabic Muslims?

Does anyone else want to throw things because a Brazlian man was shot numerous times in a 1st world country for no apparent reason and with no attempts made at retribution? To get even angrier, check out this link. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/4159310.stm The man was BEING RESTRAINED while being SHOT by POLICE OFFICERS. Ye gods, it makes me so sick.

Does anyone else get angry cuz Israel gave Palestine the Gaza strip back?

How about that no one can figure out WHY THE HECK a plane crashed and like 300 ppl are dead and their families don't even know HOW COME?!

OH--and now this big controversy over ID. It's all over NewsWeek and Time mag but the articles are written from such a major liberal slant it makes me sick. Yes, I know--what else do I expect? I don't really know, but I'm sick of all this!

Or that Bin Laden is still out there, we're fighting a war with eerie resemblances to Vietnam, and Americans are so OUT OF IT that we haven't talked about 9/11 since everyone realized that they could still go about their stupid lives without really having to change anything?

And I haven't even started. This world is so screwed up it is unbelievable. Except for the unfortunate fact that it's reality, and we have to live in it.

I'm PO'ed and I'm ranting. In case you didn't catch that newsflash.

I just finished reading True Notebooks. It's written by someone who wanted to make a difference. I can't figure out if he really did or not. WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE? I'm banging my head into walls trying to figure it out and last night I got so upset I ate like 3 large bowls of icecream. Cuz that'll help, for sure.

Monday, 15 August, 2005

Today I went to SPASH to register. And it sucks. I didn't get into the writing class I want to. Pray that 6 ppl drop it.

I was reading the SPASH newsletter, and it said that you can get this really nasty disease from sharing food...resulting possibly in life-threatening infections. HA. Who's the WEIRD one now?!

Also they made some requirements about my senior pictures. Apparently, I cannot wear clothing that has profanity or beer advertisements on it. DARN. There goes my ENTIRE wardrobe. Oh but wait. Right after that, it says you MUST wear clothing. Hmmm. That IS a problem. The whole world is like cramping my style! The last requirement is--please leave things to the imagination. That's just great.

But we're all like Americans, right? We don't HAVE any imaginations left, duh. I'm being bratty. Sorry.

Sunday, 14 August 2005

Attending my church is always excessively amusing. Not to mention a million other things, but amusing is probably the nicest. My pastor really doesn't look good in a brown suit. And you would not believe what he said today: "Brainwashing? I think that's a good thing! We want to be brainwashed!" I'm not kidding... He also has the weirdest sense of humor. Like, he puts pics of monkeys in his powerpoint presentation because he thinks it will help ppl pay attention. He also told us that bribing our neighbors would help church attendance. Joking, I know...but still.

So: I'm thinking about that old person who maybe gardens a little, doesn't really do anything great in life by the world's standards, and yet has such an intimate relationship with God that it's unbelievable. Maybe that's awesome, and most days I think that's what I want...but still...isn't there a point of being so heavenly-minded and no earthly good? Crap. I don't know. Confused.

Mmm. Reading James lately. "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials and tribulations, for you know that the trying of your faith works patience...blessed is the man who perserveres under trial, for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life...prove yourself a doer of the word, and not a hearer only, deluding yourself...pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orpahns and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." I think I need to stop being so constantly depressed and melancholy. Funny thing is, it was kinda fun.

There's a difference between defining history and changing history.

I hate Christianity that exists only to take care of the person involved in it. Oops. Guess some things in me are gonna have to change.

Ok...so according to well-respected clergyman, being humble is the ability to receive. Um, did I miss something or was being humble, like, being willing to give? Like, of yourself?

Lately, I want to be a missionary to Sudan.

Saturday, 13 August, 2005

No one will change the laundry unless I do...because he's up North with his friend and that's ok. I just wish I didn't have to do it.

No one will go buy more shampoo unless I do...because she's prostrated on the couch and cannot move...and that's NOT ok. I just wish I didn't have to do it.

No one will change that lightbulb unless I do...because he's out of the house, been out of my life for much longer...and I really don't know if that's ok. I'm just angry about everything. And I really wish I didn't have to do it.

No one will tell the 11-yr-old to do her chores unless I do...because like it or not, she's still a little kid who needs those reminders once and awhile--along with love and discipline from a parent. I do try. So hard. And that's ok. I just wish I didn't have to do it.

This is not entirely true. I still have Eileen.

Thursday, 11 August, 2005

I am so sick of everyone's expectations for me. Change my way of thinking, Jessica. Prove it, Jessica. Come on, now. Are you a good girl or aren't you? Are you going to handle SPASH or aren't you? Jessica, why do you disappoint me like this? I thought you were different. DAMN. Didn't I tell you I was a pedestal jumper? Didn't I tell you not to have that high an opinion of me? Didn't I tell you I disappoint everyone? Didn't I tell you not to think that way about me? So who's fault is it? Mine, because I'm not who you thought I was, or yours--because you misjudged me in the first place? It seems the whole world has decided to place all of their expectations in me--my mom, my church, my friends, my old school, the kids I babysit, and EVERYONE. Can't I just be me? Can't I just be a normal human being? Can't I just live without everyone breathing down my back? I'm going back to living in my shell. It's closing. Hiding was so much easier than this.

Quote from same crazy guy I email: "I was unaware that there were multiple versions of Christianity." I laughed, I cried, it moved me.

Tuesday, 09 August 2005

Quote: "All knowledge is based on a hypothetical assumption. All faith is based on a hypothetical assumption. Even if we are tell ourselves we are not arguing hypothetically, we are arguing hypothetically."

Saturday, 30 July 2005

Yay. I got like 9 hours of sleep last night. Amazing. Lately, I have been soap-boxing like nothing else. Sorry, y'all. Just...crazy stirrings and internal-gut-wrenching things going on inside of me.

Oh God...I cannot live with you as only my friend any longer. I am sick of casual, 1-sided conversations between us. I've got your love, now REIGN IN ME. Let me no longer exist. At all. I don't want to see me when I look in the mirror. I'm sick of a Christianity that is just for helping me thru my silly little problems. I will not let you go from me without turning me upside down and changing me. This is no longer about my self, but those who I must reach. Burning fire Flesh falling away Agh I cannot Anymore Live like I am Me. Only. I must DO something.


Going campaigning today.

Friday July 29, 2005

Day 6: EMP--Reading Ecclesiastes. I totally dislike males today. I have been reading Psalms like crazy and so has everyone else in this LTS with me, and it's awesome what we've been learning. Marcus redeems his gender--bless him. It stormed so beautifully last nite. Loud. Theatrical. God loves a good show too...Later...Made team leader of the writing team. Excited, but lots of responsiblity...don't know if I can handle it on top of zip sleep and that speech...

So many things wrong in this world. Can't accept the cop out of 'change one person and it will be worth it', cuz to me, it's not. If I do not change this world, I will NOT be able to live with myself. I will NOT be able to stand before my Maker, look my Saviour--the one who went thru the ultimate injustice for me--look HIM in the eye and know that I did NOTHING to stop the injustices of my generation. Let me not be so impassioned a writer that I forget what actions should be taken. Let me not be so selfish that I deceive myself to think that I am right in doing nothing. Let me not be so ignorant that I know nothing of the pain of reality. Let me never be so weak that I cannot face what I have done wrong and change it...

Today we watched a debate. It makes me angry. VERY ANGRY. I wanted to watch it with all my Camp ppl...and yell and scream at the liberal with you all. Later I'm scared. Being a leader sucks. I think Lydia hates me. Orbitz gum is nearly a sacrament at GNFC. I am so exhausted. I must look a sight.

Day 7:EMP--Reading Red Moon Rising. Still. And it makes me want to shout. We're visiting CNN HQ today. I am excited but so tired...today I slept until 5:30 (4:30 WI time) cuz I was so tired. Being this exhausted all the time is really getting old. CNN HQ was great. After that, we visited the capitol. Speech deadlines extended. Hooray. Tomorrow I go campaigning for the future first black Republican elected into GA state congress. Now here's an excerpt from the book I'm reading.

"Suddenly I find myself in a giant hall. Surrounding me are thousands of young pppl, battered, bruised, and broken. Then suddenly, I hear a voice: "What am I bid?"

A young girl stands out before the crowd of leering, sneering men. "What am I bid for this piece of flesh?" The men start to cheer. "50" "100"

What can I do God? I start to bid. I have to save her. The cost becomes huge, and I begin to waiver. Can I afford this? What price will I pay?

The dream stops.

I'm alone again. But the faces are real enough; Sarah being sold into prostitution; Mike with a revolver in his mouth; Kat covered in cuts and bruises; John falling into crime, Laura alone and desperate; Steve heroin bulging into his vein.

"What am I bid?"

The voice shatters the silence. The auction is on again. The bidding has begun. It continues day and night until the end. Most of the bidders desire only use and abuse. Satan drives them on.

And so I find myself in the auction. Will I watch or will I bid? The price of a single life is huge. The currency is prayer...and action. The cost is massive, but the prize is glorious. A life for a life.

What am I bid?"

Scream. Cry. Sigh. Punch. Tantrum. Despair. Then hope. Maybe I can break the cycle. Maybe I can do something to make it stop. But not if I am too wrapped up in my own problems, my self, and my stupidity.

Wednesday, 27 July, 2005

Day 1 Sat: I arrive...overtired and cranky because of a screaming child on the airplane. Wondering how the heck I got myself into this and trying to figure out the quickest way back to WI...missing Camp Nehemiah more than my own home...

Day 2: Attend church. Open Bible. Falls to Joel. "Rend your hearts and not your garments." Punch in the gut conviction. Realize that if I am put in a group, no matter how large or how small, if there is just ONE smart aleck in the group, he(generally, but not always a he) will pick me as his target of imitation. ARE MY MANNERISMS THAT WEIRD? Do I just scream, mimic my every move or something?!

Day 3: Early morning prayer is at 6. I realize that there is a blurred difference between sleep and prayer that early in the morning. White water rafting in Tennessee the rest of the day. Amazing. Scenery consists of a river, cliffs on either side, the most intricate rock formations spotted with beautiful GREEN trees. Nothing in WI was green when I left. Van breaks down, thank God, only a block from the church. I'm really glad it didn't do that in Tennessee. My toenail(the one I busted open at Camp Nehemiah) falls off. OUCH. Musing mind falls to transparency and self-scrutiny.

Day 4: AM session (after another EMP at 6) is speech. Nervous. Must recite. Picked Make Me Thy Fuel. Memorized it yrs ago. Quiver. Later...I forgot what an effect I can have on ppl. I had forgotten how much fun it was to have everyone's attention in the palm of my hand, free for me to shape as my will directs. That power...it makes me want to stop being so introverted...at least while I'm on the stage, in control. I remember things like why I liked the game. I had forgotten. We get our pretests back. I realize it is the first time someone has corrected my grammar on an essay question. Surprising. Humbling. But GOOD. I hate it when teachers have nothing left to teach me and so let me drift. And this one, whoa, she will not let me drift. NO preconceived notion of my intelligence level. Liberating. I can pick the impression I give her. Hooray.

Day 5: I am disgusted with myself Carnal fleshly life Selfish will Selfish wants. Can you do anything with this earthy human being? I want you to take away That which separates me from you. I want to be STRIPPED of my way, my walls, my sins. Take everything of me Replace it with the things of you. Let these not be merely words Devoid of meaning and commitment. When others see me, let them see YOU only. EMP at 6. Crying out. Hate my complacency. Refuse to go back to living in the bubble. Too much to do...can't just sit around. HEART SCREAMS so loudly I swear that preacher can hear it. Still so tired. The hours march endlessly on. Need sleep. Opened Bible. First page of. Wanted to cry. Why? What is it that makes me fall so hard for things I will NEVER have? Later... I deliberately avoid < >. I will let him go. He is not mine. I will appreciate him, but will end this ridiculous fancy... Good thing I have been well trained in the art of being a shrew.
My life is changing, y'all. For the better. I can never be that girl again. She'll be there, but different. Matured. Older. Probably not wiser. But hopefully, she will have learned some things.

Quote OTD: God, give me knowledge...but not just knowledge, because that will puff me up. Give me understanding, but not merely understanding, because that will leave me passive. Give me WISDOM: rhetoric coupled with ACTION. ~speech instructor, Blaine Cochran

Monday, 25 July 2005

Recently someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life. And I gave them a really crappy answer. I am so sorry.

The top responses I usually give:

1. I'm flying away to Neverland and I refuse to grow up...but thanks for thinking of me!

2. An English teacher...because then ppl shut up and leave me alone about it

3. Well...I just don't know yet--because then ppl don't hold me to my words in 3 months.

But since I really want to add another one, I am erasing that reality and substituting my own. I now say:

I am going to be a box-breaker, world-taker, generation-changer, history-maker, and a ppl-shaper. I am quoting myself. I am not going to settle into mediocrity. I am not going to fall into living only for myself. I am not going to 'listen to my heart' and get a sappy job at a soup kitchen(no offense, if you work at a soup kitchen, more power to you) I AM GOING TO GET RID OF SOUP KITCHENS. And psyhchologists. And juvenile hall. Why? Because I am going to change this world. I will not sit still. I will not be good and be quiet. I will speak up and I will not let you go until you listen to me. Don't take the crap others give you. Don't let another's reactions to you determine your priorities(ouch that one hurt me). If you are looking at the floor all your life, you will hit it. If you look up at the sky (into the STARS, Bethany) you will realize that there is no ceiling.

Off my soap box for now...

Saturday, 23 July 2005

Hey ya'll from Atlanta...

If I were not Christian, I would be a pagan and worship the moon. Devotedly!

Getting no sleep makes you really feel as if you can't feel anything.

I haven't shed tears over anything in at least 6 months and I think I have major problems since I went thru Camp Nehemiah's workshops and didn't shed a tear. "Drowning in my own lack of tears"

I really don't like being in situations where I don't know what to expect.

When I got home Friday nite, my mom was being so awesome...and then I left the next morning. I feel like I'm running away from home. Maybe I am. How horrible...I'm abandoning them...I can't be the one doing the abandoning...I don't think I could bear it...I don't like myself right now...

Monday, 18 July 2005

I'm sick...utterly sick of life and living. Why is living so difficult? Better question--why do I make life so difficult? And because I want to blame someone...I will blame all of those who told me that being a teenager was the best years of their lives. Cough. Well. They can come back and live mine. Thinking back on it, they weren't saved when they were teenagers. That explains alot. And...gasp...if this horrible reality is supposed to be the best part of my life, I really am going to have to consider suicide as a viable option...(if you actually got that I used viable as an adjective of suicide, I love you)

I'm never going to have mid-life crisis. Seriously. I think 40 yr olds invented mid-life crises(the plural of crisis, and yes, I looked it up on an internet dictionary and yes, I am strange) because they missed the drama of being a teenager.

DRAMA--that's what this all is! **Smacks forehead** WELL...someone should have told me that being a teenager sucks. REALLY.

Tuesday, 14 July 2005

I have gotten yelled at twice in 2 days by religious old people. First time, it was cuz I was chewing bubble gum in church. Apparently that is disrespectful. Ok, I can deal with that. But I was chewing it when I walked in the building, so it wasn't like I popped a bunch of bubble gum in my mouth and started blowing bubbles for spite or something...and apparently my shorts are TOO short. They can't believe I'm a Christian girl. Obviously, they've never been to Lifest. They're not that short, and I could wear my swimming suit if they'd really like to see some cheeks hanging out. But I can say nothing...for I am going to Atlanta in a week with these ppl and if I'm not on their good side...there goes my trip. And I've never been to Atlanta. I've never been anywhere, really...and traveling is really important to me.

Friday, 17 June 2005

Has anyone noticed how obsessive Christians are with the prosperity message? Doesn't anyone realize that God's hands give AND take away? Or is the Bible just an added perk to being a Christian and not really something to be understood? It seems no Christians are face-seekers; they all just want the comforting pat and the brand-new car out of God. I want more. Desperately. If He's God, He'd better be something better than a vending machine. I want to have His presence surround me, like it did Moses. You could tell that man had been with God because he glowed. Crazy. I've only met one person in my life who glowed. I wish I did.

I think God really is a jealous God. Once, the Greeks and other pagan cultures believed you couldn't be too happy or too much in love, because the gods would seeyour happiness and be jealous and destroy it. I think...they may have had a point. God knows what we're dependent on, and if it's something besides Him, I think maybe...He takes it away. Does it seem that way to anyone else? Does that seem like blasphemy?

Here's an Emily Dickinson. I love her works. I don't agree with all of it, but it makes sense in some situations.

Tell all the Truth, but tell it slant--
Success in circuit lies
Too bright for our inform Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
An explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or everyman be blind--

Tuesday, 7 June 2005

I don't like girls. They are gossipy, self-centered, and much too dramatic. And I'm one of them.

I don't like teenagers. They are selfish, hypocritical, wanna save the world but too lazy and too much fluff to do anything about it. Teenagers in general are obsessed with the opposite sex and can think of nothing else and are too present-minded to care. They point fingers at those horrid adults because adults never do what they say they should do and expect us to do --and then a teenager turns around and does it. They want to stand out as something different, unique, and distinct yet they also want to blend in and be a part of a bigger picture but they just can't figure out how. And I'm one of them.

I don't like Christians. They think that because they have the answer it makes their life all better, so there should be no more problems, and if anyone dare admit that they have a problem, heresy. Yet the Christians are just as bad in the areas of porn, divorce, molestation, and abuse as the poor heathen. Christians want to solve the world's problems but can't pull the logs out of their own eye, and must go digging in their poor neighbor's eyes for specks. They use the stupidest cliches and think they're spiritual because it's scriptural. And I'm one of them.

I don't like people. People are immature, selfish, and really don't have a clue what is going on. They love to play games about improving themselves and put on masks and build walls and stay as shallow as humanly possible. They construct fences to keep everyone at a safe distance so no one will see that they're really full of holes and can't hold water. They hold in emotions until they're a basket case or they convince everyone else that they are a basket case because they can't control their emotions at all. And I'm one of them.

I'm angry with myself. I am disappointed in the world at large. I haven't read my Bible by myself just me and God in a long time. Yet I still think I am just fine, no problems, until I do something wrong and dang it there I am hurting people I love best. God, you better know what's going on. Because I don't.

Tuesday, 31 May, 2005

Friday was my last day of school. And I spent the entire day with "It's the end of the world as we know it" on repeat in my brain. Also, my den-mother heart was watching all the young junior highers going, "they can't handle senior high. My brother will be KILLED at a public school. I don't know why I'm so crazy. Is anyone actually deluded enough to think I'm going to make it thru one? I know everyone who knows I'm not coming back thinks I'm going to get pregnant, hooked on pot, and commit suicide all in the first month of public school. And then I think about all my youngling friends from Stevens Point Christian Academy and how I will never be able to handle the social levels of senior-hood because I have spent the last 17 years of my life watching out for those who are younger than me, and living at their level of 'break your coccyx and eat, you fat lard.'

Friday, 13 May 2005

The Importance of a Support Network

Support group sounds like those things like AA or something, right? I have recently taken an inventory of who I trust, who I don't, and who I tolerate. I realize that there are a dwindling few in the first category, an increasing majority in the second, and about equilibrium in the last. There were not many to begin with in the first category, but somehow it seems that I am unable to find anyone who understands the simplicity of just listening to someone when they need to talk, giving them a hug or some advice or none, and not judging them. Understand what another person is going through, help them through it, and go on.

I hate boxes. I hate being unable to expand my box. It has nothing to do with thinking outside one, and everything to do with living outside one. Or at the very least, inside a bigger one. To have someone ask me if I know any people who aren't saved and want me to bring them to church is very embarrassing. First, any people who I know who 'aren't saved' are probably attending the church I go to. Second, I know very few people who don't attend said church, and find that fact disconcerting. I'm all for being involved in a home-church, but when said home-church starts creeping in and taking over ever miniscule part of your life...I draw lines. And for my trouble, I get labeled as a luke-warm Christian. Cuz, we all know, how involved you are in the church determines your level of Christianity. Just ask the kids who just got expelled for doing drugs.

Tuesday, 10 May 2005

Today my band teacher had a cow at me because I couldn't make it to a band demo. Anyway, it wouldn't have been so bad, except that she goes to my church, which means she's completely brain-washed into believing in the ultimate-God-given authority and was angry with me because of my attitude. I don't think I had an attitude toward her, merely toward the stress which seeps into my life because of an over-crowded schedule.

More on the authority thing: it is something out of the Middle Ages...seriously. All authority is given by God, therefore we must treat every authority and every command an authority figure gives as if they are God or from God, respectively. Talk about ego. Of course, this is all coming from the latest in spiritual literature, Under Cover, written by an sexist, egotistical maniac who I could not be paid enough to listen to. If it were up to him, we would still all be Anglican Catholics...in other words, under the control of the crown of not only Britian, but also the Pope. He doesn't say it in so many words, but take it to its logical conclusion and the American War for Independence was sin...or in his words, lawlessness, rebellion, and unsubmission. Now, as a teen, I consider myself pretty respectful--I can take pretty much whatever an adult dishes out with minor 'attitude'. However, an authority figure is NOT God, nor will I treat them as such. Respect that is felt must be earned. Respect that is demanded creates rebellion. I'm all for treating people as human beings and respecting their offices...however, if my pastor starts telling me what I need to do with my life, I'm drawing lines in the sand.

I've said this before; I'm clarifying it. I hate established religion

Thursday, 05 May 2005

I am finally here and have nothing interesting to say...

Except perhaps something I discovered today. I actually like living. Now, mind you, that doesn't mean I like life, or any other such crazy nonsense, but being alive...well, it's ok. Realizing that I am a whole person, even with anything and everything else that's going on, is just amazing. I suppose it has to do with appreciating silly things, pleasant things, and just plain crazy things that other people do, that happen, or that I make happen. Lately, I've been rather depressed, but realizing that I can overcome and like it has been blowing my mind lately. Sure, life is not just smelling roses, but it doens't have to be smelling dung all the time either...even when it is. I don't think there's anything I can't handle--for today. Maybe tomorrow, there'll be something that I can't take, but then, tomorrow never comes, so maybe I'm safe. I'm rambling. I'm not really sure what the point of all this was, except maybe as a nice outlet. I certainly feel better, anyway. Not high-I'm-just-having-a-blast, but content and complacent enough to be happy with things...even the things that are as tho they shouldn't be.

2005 Events

February 2005
My dad moves out

April 2005
At a pro-life convention, I re-connect with Joel and Joy Pavelski, who I had met in middle school, and discover their blogs
This event eventually leads me to meet, among others, Jayni Reed (nee Juedes), Hannah Demers (nee White) Karee Furey, Jarret Mock, Sarah Wykuis, and Sara Greely

May 2005:
I finish my junior year of high school at Stevens Point Christian Academy and begin a blog of my own

Summer 2005:
Joel tells me he is gay.
I attend pro-life camps with Wisconsin Teens for Life
I spend 2 weeks in Atlanta at a leadership conference with Wellington Boone
I visit California with my aunt and cousin while he looks at colleges
I stop attending church.

August 2005:
I begin attending Stevens Point Area Senior High for my first year at a public school.

November 2005:
Jesse dies. He is 14 years old.