Monday, 29 August 2005

Strength is not the absence of a weakness.

Strength is determined by how far a person is determined to go in spite of that weakness.

It doesn't matter if I'm afraid. I can persevere and go on. And I will.

It doesn't matter if I don't think I can do it. I can.

It doesn't matter if there are a thousand strikes against me. Long shots still have a chance.

And as long as there's a chance...as long as there exists that drive inside me that says GO...it will be alright. I will make it thru somehow.

You can too. And you will.

Tuesday, 16 August, 2005

Does it tick anyone else off that like, gas is way overpriced and there's nothing anyone's doing/can do about it?

Does it make anyone else tear up because children in Sudan are watching their fathers die and their mothers being raped merely because they're black Christians hated by Arabic Muslims?

Does anyone else want to throw things because a Brazlian man was shot numerous times in a 1st world country for no apparent reason and with no attempts made at retribution? To get even angrier, check out this link. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/4159310.stm The man was BEING RESTRAINED while being SHOT by POLICE OFFICERS. Ye gods, it makes me so sick.

Does anyone else get angry cuz Israel gave Palestine the Gaza strip back?

How about that no one can figure out WHY THE HECK a plane crashed and like 300 ppl are dead and their families don't even know HOW COME?!

OH--and now this big controversy over ID. It's all over NewsWeek and Time mag but the articles are written from such a major liberal slant it makes me sick. Yes, I know--what else do I expect? I don't really know, but I'm sick of all this!

Or that Bin Laden is still out there, we're fighting a war with eerie resemblances to Vietnam, and Americans are so OUT OF IT that we haven't talked about 9/11 since everyone realized that they could still go about their stupid lives without really having to change anything?

And I haven't even started. This world is so screwed up it is unbelievable. Except for the unfortunate fact that it's reality, and we have to live in it.

I'm PO'ed and I'm ranting. In case you didn't catch that newsflash.

I just finished reading True Notebooks. It's written by someone who wanted to make a difference. I can't figure out if he really did or not. WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE? I'm banging my head into walls trying to figure it out and last night I got so upset I ate like 3 large bowls of icecream. Cuz that'll help, for sure.

Monday, 15 August, 2005

Today I went to SPASH to register. And it sucks. I didn't get into the writing class I want to. Pray that 6 ppl drop it.

I was reading the SPASH newsletter, and it said that you can get this really nasty disease from sharing food...resulting possibly in life-threatening infections. HA. Who's the WEIRD one now?!

Also they made some requirements about my senior pictures. Apparently, I cannot wear clothing that has profanity or beer advertisements on it. DARN. There goes my ENTIRE wardrobe. Oh but wait. Right after that, it says you MUST wear clothing. Hmmm. That IS a problem. The whole world is like cramping my style! The last requirement is--please leave things to the imagination. That's just great.

But we're all like Americans, right? We don't HAVE any imaginations left, duh. I'm being bratty. Sorry.

Sunday, 14 August 2005

Attending my church is always excessively amusing. Not to mention a million other things, but amusing is probably the nicest. My pastor really doesn't look good in a brown suit. And you would not believe what he said today: "Brainwashing? I think that's a good thing! We want to be brainwashed!" I'm not kidding... He also has the weirdest sense of humor. Like, he puts pics of monkeys in his powerpoint presentation because he thinks it will help ppl pay attention. He also told us that bribing our neighbors would help church attendance. Joking, I know...but still.

So: I'm thinking about that old person who maybe gardens a little, doesn't really do anything great in life by the world's standards, and yet has such an intimate relationship with God that it's unbelievable. Maybe that's awesome, and most days I think that's what I want...but still...isn't there a point of being so heavenly-minded and no earthly good? Crap. I don't know. Confused.

Mmm. Reading James lately. "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials and tribulations, for you know that the trying of your faith works patience...blessed is the man who perserveres under trial, for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life...prove yourself a doer of the word, and not a hearer only, deluding yourself...pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orpahns and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." I think I need to stop being so constantly depressed and melancholy. Funny thing is, it was kinda fun.

There's a difference between defining history and changing history.

I hate Christianity that exists only to take care of the person involved in it. Oops. Guess some things in me are gonna have to change.

Ok...so according to well-respected clergyman, being humble is the ability to receive. Um, did I miss something or was being humble, like, being willing to give? Like, of yourself?

Lately, I want to be a missionary to Sudan.

Saturday, 13 August, 2005

No one will change the laundry unless I do...because he's up North with his friend and that's ok. I just wish I didn't have to do it.

No one will go buy more shampoo unless I do...because she's prostrated on the couch and cannot move...and that's NOT ok. I just wish I didn't have to do it.

No one will change that lightbulb unless I do...because he's out of the house, been out of my life for much longer...and I really don't know if that's ok. I'm just angry about everything. And I really wish I didn't have to do it.

No one will tell the 11-yr-old to do her chores unless I do...because like it or not, she's still a little kid who needs those reminders once and awhile--along with love and discipline from a parent. I do try. So hard. And that's ok. I just wish I didn't have to do it.

This is not entirely true. I still have Eileen.

Thursday, 11 August, 2005

I am so sick of everyone's expectations for me. Change my way of thinking, Jessica. Prove it, Jessica. Come on, now. Are you a good girl or aren't you? Are you going to handle SPASH or aren't you? Jessica, why do you disappoint me like this? I thought you were different. DAMN. Didn't I tell you I was a pedestal jumper? Didn't I tell you not to have that high an opinion of me? Didn't I tell you I disappoint everyone? Didn't I tell you not to think that way about me? So who's fault is it? Mine, because I'm not who you thought I was, or yours--because you misjudged me in the first place? It seems the whole world has decided to place all of their expectations in me--my mom, my church, my friends, my old school, the kids I babysit, and EVERYONE. Can't I just be me? Can't I just be a normal human being? Can't I just live without everyone breathing down my back? I'm going back to living in my shell. It's closing. Hiding was so much easier than this.

Quote from same crazy guy I email: "I was unaware that there were multiple versions of Christianity." I laughed, I cried, it moved me.

Tuesday, 09 August 2005

Quote: "All knowledge is based on a hypothetical assumption. All faith is based on a hypothetical assumption. Even if we are tell ourselves we are not arguing hypothetically, we are arguing hypothetically."