Day 1 Sat: I arrive...overtired and cranky because of a screaming child on the airplane. Wondering how the heck I got myself into this and trying to figure out the quickest way back to WI...missing Camp Nehemiah more than my own home...
Day 2: Attend church. Open Bible. Falls to Joel. "Rend your hearts and not your garments." Punch in the gut conviction. Realize that if I am put in a group, no matter how large or how small, if there is just ONE smart aleck in the group, he(generally, but not always a he) will pick me as his target of imitation. ARE MY MANNERISMS THAT WEIRD? Do I just scream, mimic my every move or something?!
Day 3: Early morning prayer is at 6. I realize that there is a blurred difference between sleep and prayer that early in the morning. White water rafting in Tennessee the rest of the day. Amazing. Scenery consists of a river, cliffs on either side, the most intricate rock formations spotted with beautiful GREEN trees. Nothing in WI was green when I left. Van breaks down, thank God, only a block from the church. I'm really glad it didn't do that in Tennessee. My toenail(the one I busted open at Camp Nehemiah) falls off. OUCH. Musing mind falls to transparency and self-scrutiny.
Day 4: AM session (after another EMP at 6) is speech. Nervous. Must recite. Picked Make Me Thy Fuel. Memorized it yrs ago. Quiver. Later...I forgot what an effect I can have on ppl. I had forgotten how much fun it was to have everyone's attention in the palm of my hand, free for me to shape as my will directs. That power...it makes me want to stop being so introverted...at least while I'm on the stage, in control. I remember things like why I liked the game. I had forgotten. We get our pretests back. I realize it is the first time someone has corrected my grammar on an essay question. Surprising. Humbling. But GOOD. I hate it when teachers have nothing left to teach me and so let me drift. And this one, whoa, she will not let me drift. NO preconceived notion of my intelligence level. Liberating. I can pick the impression I give her. Hooray.
Day 5: I am disgusted with myself Carnal fleshly life Selfish will Selfish wants. Can you do anything with this earthy human being? I want you to take away That which separates me from you. I want to be STRIPPED of my way, my walls, my sins. Take everything of me Replace it with the things of you. Let these not be merely words Devoid of meaning and commitment. When others see me, let them see YOU only. EMP at 6. Crying out. Hate my complacency. Refuse to go back to living in the bubble. Too much to do...can't just sit around. HEART SCREAMS so loudly I swear that preacher can hear it. Still so tired. The hours march endlessly on. Need sleep. Opened Bible. First page of. Wanted to cry. Why? What is it that makes me fall so hard for things I will NEVER have? Later... I deliberately avoid < >. I will let him go. He is not mine. I will appreciate him, but will end this ridiculous fancy... Good thing I have been well trained in the art of being a shrew.
My life is changing, y'all. For the better. I can never be that girl again. She'll be there, but different. Matured. Older. Probably not wiser. But hopefully, she will have learned some things.
Quote OTD: God, give me knowledge...but not just knowledge, because that will puff me up. Give me understanding, but not merely understanding, because that will leave me passive. Give me WISDOM: rhetoric coupled with ACTION. ~speech instructor, Blaine Cochran
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